Interview with the Beetle
Most of us have heard of Lasioderma serricorne, the dread tobacco beetle. We’ve read threads about its habits, seen pictures of the damage it can do. Maybe we’ve looked it up in Wikipedia or some other online sources. Some of us who are old enough to remember books might have even searched printed reference materials. Maybe we freeze our cigars, or trust that the temperature in our homes is sufficiently cool to keep this marauder at bay. But I wanted to go beyond the hype, past the fear and mistrust.
So, I arranged for a little one-on-one with Mr. Lasioderma serricorne. I agreed to keep the location of our meeting a secret. I brought along some tobacco leaves that came in a used cigar box I picked up at the local B&M. I thought maybe a nice meal would loosen his tongue. I was in for some surprises …
So, do you like those leaves?
Well, it’s a nice thought, but actually only our larvae consume tobacco – or anything else, for that matter. Once we grow up, we stop eating altogether.
Really? You don’t eat at all?
Well, that’s what scientists say, and they’re pretty much right. Of course, me and the wife sometimes like to eat a cigarette after mating. You know, this leaf smells pretty good. Do you mind if I take it home for Juniors?
No – that’s fine. (I noticed he set aside only one of the leaves I brought.) Are your larvae picky eaters?
Mine? They’re pretty average, I guess. Some of the neighbor kids will eat cereal and dried fruit and stuff, but mine stick to tobacco. Not nearly as choosy as the subspecies, though.
Subspecies? I didn’t run across that in my research.
Yeah, I don’t think your scientists even know about it. Lasioderma serricorne fugettaboutit, found only in Brooklyn. They won’t eat anything but Cuban tobacco. We call them all Tony.
Even the females?
I never really thought about it. I guess you’d just spell it with an “i.”
Wouldn’t that spell “tiny?” (We sat blinking at each other for a few uncomfortable moments before he replied)
Listen, Pal, I may be only a couple of millimeters tall, but that doesn’t give you the right to make short jokes. You know, I only got a few more weeks to live, so I think you should show a little more gratitude for the time I’m giving you in this interview.
Sorry. I do appreciate your sacrifice.
Well, actually it’s not such a big sacrifice. Things aren’t so good at home right now. We got a couple of hundred eggs laying around the place – you can’t hardly take a step without tripping over one of them. And God forbid you might step on one! The little woman (he eyed me carefully for any reaction to this title for his wife – luckily I showed none) would have my shell if that ever happened. And then there’s all the kids crawling around, eating us out of house and home. Literally. I don’t mind boring a hole to the outside every now and then. But I should be getting back. I have another appointment.
Interview with a guy from Cigar Aficionado?
Hell, no – I turned them down flat. Actually I’m going to a rally in opposition of some new legislation.
You guys have a government?
Yeah – bunch of losers, though. They’re trying to pass laws against exposing larvae to tobacco.
Seems like that would be kind of hard on future generations of voters, no?
That’s what we’re trying to tell them. Of course, their kids are the ones that eat cereal and dried fruit.
Think it’ll be hard to keep that law from being passed?
Not really – if someone can just filibuster for a few weeks, the Legislature will all die off anyway. Hey, thanks for the leaf! Juniors will enjoy it!
And with that, he was off into the night. I never saw him again. I think he would understand the sentiment if I said I hope I never do.
