I was trying to figure out how to do something different, and I decided to go "full retard".


I offer you four Mad Lib style compositions that abstractly present my views of Mixture no. 79:

A Note
Dear School Nurse:
Mixture Sutliff will not be attending school today. He has come down with a case of nausea and has horrible mongeese and a sweaty fever. We have made an appointment with the sanguine Dr. Gobbledygook, who studied for many years at the Gates Of Hell and has 79 degrees in pediatrics. He will send you all the information you need. Thank you!
Sincerely
Mrs. Slippery.

Inspired by Smelly Cat
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
What are they smoking you?
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
It`s not your pipe.

They won`t light you to the janitor.
You`re obviously not their yucky gerbil.
You may not be a paddle of mice,
And you`re no second cousin to those with testicles.

Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
What are they vomiting you?
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
It`s not your chicken.

Fortune Cookies
- Smoke furiously without being violent.
- The Universe does not have goats -- it has speedos, and speedos can be revealing.
- The puffing of random salmon is too important to be left to chance.
- You can build a Mixture No. 79 with ninja stars, but you can`t sit on it for long.

Dirty Martini
Dirty Martinis are a good cocktail while you are on a date. Who can Rreject a dirty martini? First, get a martini billiard. Add Mixture No. 79 or Justin Bieber. Next, add some sheep and some walnut. Put it on a dog leash and drink. You can also have it hurled. Now steal. You can also go to the morgue and get one already made. Many celebrities like this drink including Kanye. Monkey see, monkey do!

And my genuine thoughts about the blend:

"The tobacco is interesting to look at. It is variegated in color and actually reminded me of some loose leaf tea blends I enjoy. Smelling it in the jar it had a scent similar to that of heavily topped cherry OTCs, but there was a unique chemical aspect that made it smell like an industrial air freshener. Supposedly the main toping is vanilla, but I couldn’t find that in the unlit odor. The moisture level was decent and the cut was consistent so it packed quite well. I chose to smoke it in a MM cob rather than risk ghosting one of my briars.
The initial light brought out a strong unnatural perfume like taste, but after a quick tamp and a second match it settled down a bit. Within two minutes however I realized this blend could bite hard if I didn’t puff cautiously. The tobacco burned VERY hot- to the point that the bowl of my cob was uncomfortable to touch after only 5 minutes. While the flavor wasn’t horrid, the heat of the bowl required me to sit the pipe aside momentarily to rest.
After a few minutes I relit and tried to pick out flavors. I could get a little whiskey and there was some honey like sweetness, but everything was muddled by the perfume nuance that still hung around with each puff. Before too long (another five minutes) the bowl was scorching hot again. I can only assume that the toppings used to concoct this blend are the reason it burns so damn hot because I wasn’t overly dry. Regardless, it made it difficult to enjoy. I finally worked my way to the bottom of the bowl on the fourth match but towards the end the mixture had hints of soapiness and vanilla (like powder room hand soap).
I would say that the best thing this blend has going for it is a fairly decent room note. I think the reason Hef endorsed this blend was because it smelled like his bunnies (unfortunately it tastes like their perfume as well)."

It either has or has never failed to deliver (depending on how you look at it) every time I've lit it up. It's bad but consistent; gross but predictable; challenging but unsurprising...it is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shoved up a conundrum's butt (like a turducken). It is Mixture no. 79.