Mixture No. 79 Review Contest Review Thread

[tmoran]

Nicely done, Chico! I felt like I was there with you!

[Tobias Lutz]

I'll be posting mine this weekend. Sorry for the delay...things have been kinda crazy here.

[c.ortiz108]

OK, now I'm just absolutely gobsmacked. At first, I was looking at it with mere trepidation, but y'all have me flat scared now

If i had smoked this stuff before the bonus advertising mini-contest, my ad would have been simply:

Be afraid.
Be very afraid.

[Emperor Zurg]

Nicely done, Chico! I felt like I was there with you!

Me too. I could almost smell the stench thru the computer screen.

[GWBowman]

Tonight I am going to attempt to review Sutliff Mixture No. 79 in a MM Cob Legend. I'm sitting at the kitchen table typing this up as I smoke a bowl. At this point I'm on probably the sixth bowl, two in this pipe, one or two in a MM Cob Pony Express, and a couple of small meers. Struggling to say I've had two bowls the same, and wondering if I should have typed this up after the first bowl and been done.

The tobacco is coarse cut. In color, its is a mingling of tan, brown, and dark brown that almost appears black. While moist, it doesn't seem to moist to smoke. Most I've smoked was straight from the bag. I can only think of one time I put some out on a saucer to dry.

I believe it to be a quality leaf that burns well. Why in the name of Sir Walter Raleigh anyone would want to put a perfectly good tobacco through...what ever Sutliff did, is completely beyond me. As I was loading the first bowl, my wife turned, sitting across the room, to ask "Are you smoking something?" I could tell she was not pleased with what she was smelling. When I told her, "Not yet. Just loading the bowl", she looked totally bewildered. About three bowls later, she comes by, mid bowl, and says "That smells good. What is it?" Upon telling her it was the same tobacco as a few nights before, the bewildered look returned.
The bag note seems to be waxy raisin flowers. Before each bowl I stick my nose in the bag. Don't know why, as I'm not one who gets a charge from being in pain, or even discomfort. Once or twice, thought it smelled ok. Can't remember what I was drinking or how much. Once it smelled bad, but generally it just confuses me. At the beginning of the first bowl, I picked up a slight black licorice taste. That pissed me off, because I like black licorice. Since I haven't picked it up since then, I blame something I read. Throughout this experience, I have tasted flowers, wax, soap, raisins, molasses, and a weird chemical taste. The chemical taste is new to me. I can't decide if I have ever tasted it before. Almost the taste you get, from the smell of a freshly cleaned school restroom. I'm thinking if you pressed this stuff, you could remarket it as Urinal Cake Flake. While most of these flavors I enjoy by themselves, when put together, I don't. Understanding this is speculation on my part, I imagine this is the taste a nanny goat gets, when cleaning a newborn kid. But only if the mother, while pregnant, was grazing near toxic waste, most likely coming across needles used to draw blood from a weasel that is suspected to have rabies. Of course only if the rabies was caught from a raccoon that has been feeding downstream from where a power plant has dumped the ash left from the boilers that run the turbines. But that is just speculation.
So to summarize, this wasn't near as bad as it was represented.
Once again I would like to thank Tim for another wonderful contest.
I'm now off the see if I have any scraps of Ennerdale Flake that can be mixed with this, just to see if the EPA is real.

[Usafvet509]

OK, I got brave:

Sutliff Mixture 79 review
Sniffing into the bag, I agree with all priors, I smell licorice and raisins, but I believe I get rum as well. Odd...
Packing the pipe and testing the cold draw, I taste licorice and tobacco.
Upon lighting, I am hit with harshness. It settles down, minimally, and the room note is floral and, hmm, cherry. Heather says it smells "sugary sweet."
The taste never settles on one thing, but it is chemical, floral, and the smell... Well, oddly, I pinpoint lava rocks and sauna?!
Attachment 3178

I put it down after roughly 20 minutes. Not overwhelmingly negative, and I will try again. Not all that positive, either. I did put it in Heather's infused humidor rather than back into my pipe tupperdor. There ya have it, @tmoran . A noob review

[c.ortiz108]

Tonight I am going to attempt to review Sutliff Mixture No. 79 in a MM Cob Legend. I'm sitting at the kitchen table typing this up as I smoke a bowl. At this point I'm on probably the sixth bowl, two in this pipe, one or two in a MM Cob Pony Express, and a couple of small meers. Struggling to say I've had two bowls the same, and wondering if I should have typed this up after the first bowl and been done.

The tobacco is coarse cut. In color, its is a mingling of tan, brown, and dark brown that almost appears black. While moist, it doesn't seem to moist to smoke. Most I've smoked was straight from the bag. I can only think of one time I put some out on a saucer to dry.

I believe it to be a quality leaf that burns well. Why in the name of Sir Walter Raleigh anyone would want to put a perfectly good tobacco through...what ever Sutliff did, is completely beyond me. As I was loading the first bowl, my wife turned, sitting across the room, to ask "Are you smoking something?" I could tell she was not pleased with what she was smelling. When I told her, "Not yet. Just loading the bowl", she looked totally bewildered. About three bowls later, she comes by, mid bowl, and says "That smells good. What is it?" Upon telling her it was the same tobacco as a few nights before, the bewildered look returned.
The bag note seems to be waxy raisin flowers. Before each bowl I stick my nose in the bag. Don't know why, as I'm not one who gets a charge from being in pain, or even discomfort. Once or twice, thought it smelled ok. Can't remember what I was drinking or how much. Once it smelled bad, but generally it just confuses me. At the beginning of the first bowl, I picked up a slight black licorice taste. That pissed me off, because I like black licorice. Since I haven't picked it up since then, I blame something I read. Throughout this experience, I have tasted flowers, wax, soap, raisins, molasses, and a weird chemical taste. The chemical taste is new to me. I can't decide if I have ever tasted it before. Almost the taste you get, from the smell of a freshly cleaned school restroom. I'm thinking if you pressed this stuff, you could remarket it as Urinal Cake Flake. While most of these flavors I enjoy by themselves, when put together, I don't. Understanding this is speculation on my part, I imagine this is the taste a nanny goat gets, when cleaning a newborn kid. But only if the mother, while pregnant, was grazing near toxic waste, most likely coming across needles used to draw blood from a weasel that is suspected to have rabies. Of course only if the rabies was caught from a raccoon that has been feeding downstream from where a power plant has dumped the ash left from the boilers that run the turbines. But that is just speculation.
So to summarize, this wasn't near as bad as it was represented.
Once again I would like to thank Tim for another wonderful contest.
I'm now off the see if I have any scraps of Ennerdale Flake that can be mixed with this, just to see if the EPA is real.

Hilarious review, thanks!

[GWBowman]

OK, I got brave:

Sutliff Mixture 79 review
Sniffing into the bag, I agree with all priors, I smell licorice and raisins, but I believe I get rum as well. Odd...
Packing the pipe and testing the cold draw, I taste licorice and tobacco.
Upon lighting, I am hit with harshness. It settles down, minimally, and the room note is floral and, hmm, cherry. Heather says it smells "sugary sweet."
The taste never settles on one thing, but it is chemical, floral, and the smell... Well, oddly, I pinpoint lava rocks and sauna?!
Attachment 3178

I put it down after roughly 20 minutes. Not overwhelmingly negative, and I will try again. Not all that positive, either. I did put it in Heather's infused humidor rather than back into my pipe tupperdor. There ya have it, @tmoran . A noob review

Good review. Is that the far off look of deep contemplation, or chemical induced coma? I think I wobbled back and forth while smoking it.

[Usafvet509]

Contemplation. Took me a while to pinpoint that smell, but when you dump water on the lava rocks? That's what I got. Wet, steamy, hot wood and lava rocks. For Pete's sake.....

[Tobias Lutz]

I was trying to figure out how to do something different, and I decided to go "full retard".


I offer you four Mad Lib style compositions that abstractly present my views of Mixture no. 79:

A Note
Dear School Nurse:
Mixture Sutliff will not be attending school today. He has come down with a case of nausea and has horrible mongeese and a sweaty fever. We have made an appointment with the sanguine Dr. Gobbledygook, who studied for many years at the Gates Of Hell and has 79 degrees in pediatrics. He will send you all the information you need. Thank you!
Sincerely
Mrs. Slippery.

Inspired by Smelly Cat
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
What are they smoking you?
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
It`s not your pipe.

They won`t light you to the janitor.
You`re obviously not their yucky gerbil.
You may not be a paddle of mice,
And you`re no second cousin to those with testicles.

Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
What are they vomiting you?
Smelly Mixture 79, smelly Mixture 79
It`s not your chicken.

Fortune Cookies
- Smoke furiously without being violent.
- The Universe does not have goats -- it has speedos, and speedos can be revealing.
- The puffing of random salmon is too important to be left to chance.
- You can build a Mixture No. 79 with ninja stars, but you can`t sit on it for long.

Dirty Martini
Dirty Martinis are a good cocktail while you are on a date. Who can Rreject a dirty martini? First, get a martini billiard. Add Mixture No. 79 or Justin Bieber. Next, add some sheep and some walnut. Put it on a dog leash and drink. You can also have it hurled. Now steal. You can also go to the morgue and get one already made. Many celebrities like this drink including Kanye. Monkey see, monkey do!

And my genuine thoughts about the blend:

"The tobacco is interesting to look at. It is variegated in color and actually reminded me of some loose leaf tea blends I enjoy. Smelling it in the jar it had a scent similar to that of heavily topped cherry OTCs, but there was a unique chemical aspect that made it smell like an industrial air freshener. Supposedly the main toping is vanilla, but I couldn’t find that in the unlit odor. The moisture level was decent and the cut was consistent so it packed quite well. I chose to smoke it in a MM cob rather than risk ghosting one of my briars.
The initial light brought out a strong unnatural perfume like taste, but after a quick tamp and a second match it settled down a bit. Within two minutes however I realized this blend could bite hard if I didn’t puff cautiously. The tobacco burned VERY hot- to the point that the bowl of my cob was uncomfortable to touch after only 5 minutes. While the flavor wasn’t horrid, the heat of the bowl required me to sit the pipe aside momentarily to rest.
After a few minutes I relit and tried to pick out flavors. I could get a little whiskey and there was some honey like sweetness, but everything was muddled by the perfume nuance that still hung around with each puff. Before too long (another five minutes) the bowl was scorching hot again. I can only assume that the toppings used to concoct this blend are the reason it burns so damn hot because I wasn’t overly dry. Regardless, it made it difficult to enjoy. I finally worked my way to the bottom of the bowl on the fourth match but towards the end the mixture had hints of soapiness and vanilla (like powder room hand soap).
I would say that the best thing this blend has going for it is a fairly decent room note. I think the reason Hef endorsed this blend was because it smelled like his bunnies (unfortunately it tastes like their perfume as well)."

It either has or has never failed to deliver (depending on how you look at it) every time I've lit it up. It's bad but consistent; gross but predictable; challenging but unsurprising...it is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shoved up a conundrum's butt (like a turducken). It is Mixture no. 79.