Blend: Mixture No. 79
Made by: Sutliff Tobacco Company
Blend type: Burley based aromatic, topped with Alcohol / Liquor, Anisette, Other / Misc, Vanilla, Whisky (according to tobaccoreviews).
Cut: ribbon

Manufacturer claim: “Steeped in tradition for over 70 years, Mixture No. 79 remains one of the finest pipe tobaccos ever produced. A mild and aromatic blend of all Burley tobaccos uniquely cased and cut in the traditional method. Discerning pipe smokers have made this a favorite for decades.”

Let me preface this by saying I’m a rank amateur when it comes to pipe smoking and have only tried a handful of blends. So far I’m not that crazy about aromatics, so this stuff is already at a disadvantage. On the other hand, I have a contrary nature, so if everyone says a tobacco is terrible I’m more than ready to like it!

Out of the bag the smell isn't offensive - sweet and rich like any number of aromatics. I’ve cleansed my palette (with watermelon, which is supposed to be good for that), settled on to the porch swing with my pipe, tamper and matches. I’m smoking this in a cob reserved for aromatics so no potential frilly ghosts will possess my good pipes. Rather than having a small taster first, I’ve packed up a healthy full bowl. Okay, here goes….



Yikes! Just in the first few light puffs of the first charring light I’m overwhelmed with soap. And it’s very soapy soap, too. But I will press on….

I’m not getting anything that reminds me of my grandmother, but that’s because she always doused herself with rose perfume. This is more like violet and lavender, but not in a pleasant way. It reminds me of that spray-can air freshener people use in bathrooms, which doesn’t actually freshen the air at all. Instead of covering up any bad smell, it just mingles with them in an unholy potpourri. I would be very surprised if this stuff were naturally flavored. There’s a definite chemical twang to the topping, enhancing the soap with an extra dimension of bitterness. Sutliff claims that “A topping of natural vanilla flavoring gives this basic pipe tobacco blend a soft, sweet aroma…” but there’s no vanilla taste, no sweetness, and nothing basic or natural about this blend except maybe the tobacco itself. Maybe. In fact, I’d classify this stuff as distinctly unnatural. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do.

There’s a fleeting, unexpected moment of pronounced hickory flavor, and for the briefest of moments I’m happily encouraged. But I’m doomed to disappointment – anything resembling any kind of pleasant flavor is gone before I know it, like the weeping, disappointed ghost of a child in some long-forgotten Victorian novel. Instead I’m left with a veritable symphony of soapy floral bitterness – a symphony played on an old warped 78rpm record, on the wrong speed. On an antique Victrola phonograph wound up by a mechanical monkey in a striped suit and vest who has lost his cymbals and is dementedly taking revenge on the record player.

Now I’m getting an odd flannel-like flavor coming through, like old pajamas. The room note isn’t nearly as bad as the flavors. But it’s not that great, either. There’s also a distinct waxy quality to the smoke, which enhances the overwhelming sensation of soap. My mouth really does feel like it’s being washed out with a bar of soap which leaves a waxy residue on my tongue. A lot of soap is made from lard, and I’m guessing that might be one of the secret ingredients of the mysterious Mixture No. 79.

Other than grandmother’s perfume, the other main description I’ve seen on a number of Mixture No. 79 reviews is “urinal cake.” I’m happy to report that I’m not getting that particular nuance. I prefer chocolate cake myself, but there’s none of that here either.

Now I’m noticing a strong black licorice flavor. Maybe it’s been there all along but I was too overwhelmed and dismayed with the floral soap to notice or care. It even has a similar effect on the tongue as eating strong black licorice. Not tongue-bite so much as tongue-numb. I expected this tobacco to be sickly sweet, but it’s not really sweet at all. That’s unfortunate because sickly sweetness might actually have helped. As it is, I have to say that this was worse than I ever could have imagined in my most deranged dreams.

It’s been a bright sunny day, and now all of a sudden it’s starting to rain. That often seems to happens when I smoke a bad pipe or a dog rocket.

Okay, this is really tasting like hell now. There’s an unpleasant charred taste added to the already complex array of horribleness, cranking the “bleccchh” factor up to 11. If this were a cigar I’d be desperately purging right about now, trying to salvage anything that might be good about it, but I guess that would make a mess with a pipe. So I’ll just tamp a little and carry on… in the name of science.

A few more minutes and I realize that nothing else is going on with this blend. It’s just shuffling along like a stubborn, crazy old lady at rush hour, oblivious to the passing of time and to the busy world around her. I don’t know if it’s just my tolerance decreasing, or if it really is getting more and more revolting with every puff. In a drug-like haze of tired confusion, my mind is grasping at straws now, and at one point I think I detect a nice woodiness coming through – but alas, it’s just the smell of a match going out.

I’m losing the will to live and can’t bring myself to relight again. I’ve done my duty getting through ¾ of the bowl.

I’m left feeling like I was jumped in an alley behind a nursing home by a bunch of old ladies, beaten half to death by them, wrapped like a mummy in hundreds of soiled old lace doilies, and dragged by skeleton-horses first though a flower garden then along fresh asphalt with my tongue hanging out. Other than that, I loved it!

In summary, I would wholeheartedly recommend Mixture No. 79 to my worst enemies, and to people who express a love for tobacco that tastes like soap, spray-can air freshener, unsweetened licorice, charcoal, flannel pajamas, and dirty doilies. This blend embodies some of life’s great mysteries: Why do they still make it? Who buys it? How could anyone ever like it?

As a new pipe smoker, I may not quite know what I like yet, but this gave me a pretty good idea of what I don’t like! Thanks @tmoran for giving me the opportunity to try something I definitely would not have tried otherwise! Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Or so I've heard.

Postscript: After smoking this abomination, I tried to cleanse my palette (and my soul!) with some iced coffee, followed by a little EMP to restore my faith in tobacco. It didn’t work. That Mixture No. 79 clings to the tongue like millions of microscopic leeches marinated in flowery candle wax. The coffee and the EMP both tasted like Mixture 79, and I’m guessing my dinner will too.