ATTENTION: CB Pipe Tobacco Review Bombing Run Version 2.0

[Branzig]

I have now cleaned up around 30 estates (thanks a lot Branzig).

Awesome story!

Glad I have been able to enabl...I mean assist you in a new hobby

Great bike BTW!

[NeverBend]

@NeverBend Pete do these stories have to be in story form? Or would a bit of prose work too?

Hi Chris,

Anything you want to do is appreciated!

[BryGuySC]

Pipe story #6 (I think).

Allow me to tell you about the physical harm pipe smoking does to the human body. I’ll admit I’m no doctor - far from it. Nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. What I do have, is the testament my body tells of the damage done by pipe smoking. Wait, I may be presenting this poorly. This is no medical dissertation on the dangers of tobacco. It would more closely resemble a story one my tell to his doctor upon an unexpected visit to his place of business.

I’ll set the stage. About a year ago, I was celebrating the cessation of a rather long rainy spell by burning a bowl on our back steps late at night. I was sharing this time with my faithful dog, who enjoys exploring the back yard (and trying to eat my dumped ash and dottle!). She is both inquisitive and protective, so she perks up and utters a short “gruff” at each intruding sound.

As I was deeply pondering the meaning of the universe, or wondering how to avoid burns while tamping with my finger (who can remember, really), my dog perked up and let out a low growl toward the front of the house. We sometimes have neighborhood kids cut through our backyard, so I stood up to make sure she didn’t go after some unsuspecting night rambler. Look as hard as I might, I saw no one. Yet the dog’s hackles were now up, and I could tell she was about to escalate things. Thankfully, she is obedient and sat on my command while I went to explore.

As I rounded the corner of our house, I spotted movement out of the corner of my eye, over by our fence. Perhaps someone had ducked around the other side or perhaps it was our neighbor walking along the edge of their yard. As I focused on the movement, I realized what I was seeing was a huge possum walking along the top of our fence. I’ve dealt with my fair share of possums. They are a pest in our area, and I had no problem dispatching another one. He was moving pretty quick, though, and I didn’t want him to get away. A quick survey of this portion of the yard only revealed a long branch that the boys had been playing with that afternoon. This branch was about ten feet long, and was of significant thickness.

I quickly picked up the branch, clenching my pipe in my teeth, and raised it over my head. The plan was to bring the end of the branch crashing down on the possum with as much power as I could muster. Just crush him, right there on top of the fence! I have a pretty good feel for such “tools of opportunity,” and I was confident this would go off without a hitch.

I mustered up my strength, and snapped the limb forward as hard as I could. Well, snapped is right. The massive amount of torque produced by my thick, powerful arms literally snapped the branch right over my head.

At this moment, my brain slowed things down and contemplated all the parts currently in motion. I had a possum in front of me, a dog behind me, part of a branch above me, and a much-shorter-than-expected branch arcing down in front of me. As this series of conditions processed, I also discovered the wet ground had relinquished its grasp on my feet. This, of course, sparked a whole new series of calculations in that frozen moment. As these instantaneous calculations completed, I distinctly remembered thinking, “Well, here we go!”

As time returned to normal speed, the following events unfolded.
My body quickly became parallel to the ground, and then fell to meet it.
The branch in my hand continued its path, and connected with my shin.
The now-free portion of the branch obeyed gravity’s call, and met my face at the end of it’s journey.
The possum, who I can only assume thought the most ferocious beast on earth was preparing to attack, stopped and snarled at me.
This was too much for my until-now obedient dog to handle, and she plowed right over me (somehow expertly trampling on my neck and then my groin) on her way to drive off the possum.

“What about the pipe?”, you may ask. Don’t worry. It remained unscathed. I lost grasp of it somewhere in the air, releasing it to it’s own recognizance. Not wanting to be far from it’s beloved caretaker, the pipe aimed for home. Sometimes , the coincidental aim of an inanimate object can be supernaturally true, and it hit me square in the chin and then fell to the ground. I’m not sure where in the sequence of events this happened, but I became aware of the outcome with the delightful sizzle of tobacco embers nestled in my beard near the corner of my mouth. To rectify this fire hazard, I quickly extinguished my face in the muddy ground beside me.

Thankfully, my warrior’s pride was more damaged than I was. I survived with no more than some scrapes and bruises.

After my dog came to inform me she had successfully scared off the intruder, I crawled back to my feet and made my way back inside…

To refill my pipe.

[GWBowman]

The possum, who I can only assume thought the most ferocious beast on earth was preparing to attack, stopped and sniggered at me.

I fixed the spelling.

Great story and told very well.

[BryGuySC]

I fixed the spelling.

Great story and told very well.

Lol! Yeah. That is probably more accurate.

[Desertlifter]

Apropos of nothing, am I the only one who keeps seeing this thread and parsing the title as a Captain Black review?

[LandonColby]

Story Zero Cubed (0 ^ 3) Another true story to keep the juices flowing on you most creative fellows.

My friend Wayne was an inveterate pipe smoker until one day when his doctor called him and said, "Wayne, I'm looking at your x-rays and it's not good news, can you come into my office tomorrow?"

It was the worst that it could be, spots on his lung.

Tearfully he and his wife, Janice, packed up his beloved Charatans, tobacco, racks and accessories and packed them in a box. Wayne asked Janice to put them in a place where he wouldn't be able to see them, but he just couldn't part with them yet.

Wayne went to the hospital for a follow-up. Nothing. It was nothing at all. It turns out that his doctor had the x-rays for another patient. Wayne ran down the hall and called Janice at home and told her the good news.

On his way home Wayne stopped at the store and told me the story. "Wow, incredible, what great news!", I said. Wayne said that the first thing that he was going to do was hug Janice and the second was to light up a bowl of this John Cotten as he flipped the tin onto the counter with a $5 bill but I pushed the money back, "Smoke's on me Wayne!" and off he went.

He lived nearby and it wasn't 10 minutes later that I got a call. It was Wayne and he was crying.

"Oh my god, Wayne! The original x-rays were really yours?"

"No", he sobbed.

"Janice was so happy for me that she cleaned my pipes, in the dishwasher!"

Oh nooo..the end of that story has that "aww, honey.." factor haha. She was just trying to be a good woman.
but still, that's hilarious.

[NeverBend]

Oh nooo..the end of that story has that "aww, honey.." factor haha. She was just trying to be a good woman.
but still, that's hilarious.

Janice is a good woman. I haven't seen her in a long time and I hope that she's still alive and well. Wayne, sadly is not.

Stories are about to close up. Some great tales told here, I am impressed.

To give a few more minutes for entries to be finalized, I'll post another Wayne story.

[NeverBend]

(Story something or other) Wayne never told me if this was before or after Janice 'cleaned' his pipes.

Wayne learned to smoke a pipe from his father, Walter but it wasn't long before he went from the student to critic, often chastising Walter for smoking too fast and too hot.

Their best times together was when they fished on the lake, in the early pre-dawn hours, each smoking their pipe and the water and air were still and there was no sound. It was dead quiet.

Wayne noticed it first, nothing more than a whisper in the dark. For a few minutes he wasn't even sure that he'd heard it but it was there now, like a pulse every few seconds. It was coming from Walter's direction.

"Dad", even his whisper cut into the night, "do you hear that?"

"What!?", Walter boomed.

"Sshh!", Wayne held up a finger that neither of them could see.

"There's a noise coming from behind you dad, do you hear it?"

"No", his father's whisper now faint.

"Okay, it's probably me"

They fished in silence and Wayne tried to scan the water beyond his father each time he heard the noise but it was too dark. "Damn, old man. Get your hearing checked.", he thought. He puffed on the pungent Sobranie and wondered if that was giving away their location, but to whom, or what?

And then the glow appeared, disembodied but close to the sizzle and somewhere near Walter. Wayne's heart seemed to freeze and his eyes fixed on where the glow was or had been because it was moving. It was behind them, Wayne was sure, because it was getting brighter and that mean that it was coming closer and it was getting a a little louder with time that it appeared. The lake was deep, very deep. What could it possibly hold? They'd never heard of any beast, any leviathan that anyone had ever reported seeing but people had gone missing on the lake. Maybe the witnesses had become the entree? "Nonsense! Stop!" he tried to will his mind to another subject. What creature from the deep glowed and sizzled when it was near the surface?

This time the glow was distinct and close to Walter, so close that it reflected off his face.

"Dad!", Wayne's voice snapped sharp and insistent, "It's right next to you!"

In the shimmer he saw his father's face spinning and the light moved violently as if knocked back and in a second it faded and disappeared with pop and a hiss and then there was nothing again. Absolutely nothing.

"Wayne, I don't see a thing, I don't hear a thing.", Walter whispered, "I lost my damn tobacco with you making that scare. I'm going pack another bowl."

Wayne breathed deeply, sighed and responded in a normal voice, "Don't bother dad, you burned out your pipe."

[NeverBend]

This is the current list (I believe). Still time to sigh on or to add/amend strength, MILD, MEDIUM or STRONG.


1. Alligator Gar
2. JustTroItIn - Strong
3. Branzig- Strong
4. Tobias Lutz
5. LandonColby
6. Lostmason
7. Bluenoser
8. BryBuySC - Strong
9. GWBowman - Strong
10. MrMotoyoshi - Strong
11. Chris0673 - Mild
12. Horsefeathers - Strong
13. cbr310-mild
14. Emperor Zurg
15. cpmcdill