Update:

I think the thermostat is off by -10F. I noticed my hygros were reading 68F and the display read 58F. If the display was just not showing the right number, the unit should be on, but it wasn't. I turned down the thermostat to 57F, and lo and behold it kicked on. I could compensate and just set the unit -10F of my desired temp, but what if it starts working normally and suddenly my temp plummets...

The kicker is the RH is still hovering between 57%-60% and I'm sure the unit hasn't kicked on since I first plugged it in yesterday, and while it was unplugged, the RH was extremely stable. I threw some 72 Bovedas in there to help the beads, and added a third "control" hygroscopic to double check my readings. I'm real close to pulling the plug and just cranking the AC. Or getting a third party controller and a Cigar Oasis.